The Irrational Fears of a New Dad

I like to think of myself as a laid back Dad. You know, the kind that doesn’t rush to grab my daughter after every little wimper; the kind that takes getting poop on his hand in stride; the kind that isn’t afraid to let her play in the leaves even though leaves are “dirty”. I am also apparently cool enough to let my daughter hang out with what looks like, from this picture, to be a dingo. Luckily, pirates don't eat strawberries.



But being a dad can make you think strange things. It can make you afraid of any item the size of a Hershey Kiss (including Hershey Kisses) because they are choking hazards. Over the last seven-plus months I have developed into an all-scared, all-the-time kind of person. I might hide it well, but I have become more neurotic than Larry David. And so, to give you some idea of what bother a father of a seven month old, here is my list of completely irrational fears:

1. Other Kids – They carry germs, for one. They also do things like hit and grab. This irrational fear is particularly troublesome since Olive spends three days a week surrounded by other kids in day care.
2. Crooked Teeth – They are starting to come in. So far they are straight, and they aren’t permanent anyway. But each one is just another role of the dice. I just don’t want to have to nickname her snaggletooth.
3. Sugar – While I feel bad trying to feed Olive the plain whole-milk yogurt, I’m pretty sure giving her the kind with fruit and added sugar will cause her to become diabetic at age 1.
4. Non-Organic Food – The baby food section of the grocery store puts the choice right there in front of you: Organic Carrots or Poison Carrots.
5. Mountain Lions – Okay, I admit, I’ve been scared of those for a while. But now that I have a baby, I’m even more scared. At least I don’t live in Phoenix.
6. H1N1 – Maybe this fear isn’t exactly irrational – I heard today that 7% of all hospital visits in Massachusetts were flu related last month. The normal amount at the peak of a normal flu season is 1%. So you can be sure that every time Olive sniffles she is going to be getting a thermometer in her butt.
7. Growing up to be a stripper – As a wise man once said, if I can’t keep her off the pole, I have failed as a father.
8. Getting Too Cold/Hot – I have no idea how to dress my child. It will be 60 degrees outside and I’ll have her in three onesies, a pair of pants, a jacket, mittens, a hat, and a blanket. But the next day it will be 30 and I’ll take her outside naked. I am really looking forward to the development of speech when she is finally able to say – “I’m cold.”
9. Missing a Developmental Milestone – Child rearing books will have these lists telling you what you baby should be doing at each month of development. If Olive somehow falls behind I immediately start training her. "Olive! You should be sitting up by now! No, more sleeping on your back…you will sleep in a chair until you learn to sit up! All the other sitting up kids will make fun of you!"
10. TV – Okay, we have the TV on a lot in our house. For a while we wrote off Olive’s fascination as no big deal, she just likes things with bright colors. Now I’m convinced that her first words will be “Turn off ESPN!”
11. Diarrhea – Olive has never had it. And I am going to do everything in my power to prevent it. I have seen normal baby poop, and I really don’t think my brain has the capacity to understand what baby diarrhea must look like. It must be the worst thing ever. Right now I just can’t imagine it. It is like asking me to imagine having a billion dollars, or telling me about the “nice” parts of New Jersey.
12. Car Accidents – I’m THIS close to getting a Baby on Board sign. Or a tank.
13. Superstitions – Maybe I should just skip this number.
14. Doing Something Wrong – Am I not reading to her enough? Is she the only kid in the world whose parents listen to NPR while they feed her? Will she start to salivate if she hears Carl Kasell’s voice 10 years from now? When am I supposed to switch car seats? Is she napping enough? Maybe she is sleep deprived? Why don’t I see other parents letting their kids play with knives?
15. Allergies – She is trying lots of new foods now, and as far as I can tell is allergic to none of them. But after each bite of a new fruit or vegetable I wait a second to see if she turns blue like Violet from Willy Wonka. “Olive! Your turning Olive, Olive!”
16. Tripping While Holding Her – I have been walking for about 29 years…I’m pretty good at it. But There are time I definitely heel-toe it when she is in my arms.

Okay, that’s what I can think of right now, but trust me, there are a lot more. Parents? What did I miss? Let me know what other irrational fears haunt your dreams now that you have a child.

Daddy Day Care

My daughter started going to day care last week. That is, my wife and I started dropping her off at what amounts to a perfect stranger's house for 9 hours at a time – and we are paying for it…a lot. We did, of course, interview the provider, going through a four page long checklist which included:


Do you allow free play?
What and when do the children eat?
Do you support breastfeeding?
Do the children play with knives, syringes, and matches? If not, why not?


We also talked to references, checked her license, talked to other providers who knew her and my wife brought our daughter to the provider while children were there. The kids were happy, adorable, and seemed to love the provider – despite her tyrannical ban on playing with knives. We trust of provider. Even so, nothing changes the fact that there are entire days that my wife and I will completely relinquish control of raising our daughter. If we lived in a perfect world, we would have won the lottery on my wife’s last day of maternity leave, or I would be able to work from home selling stuff on e-bay, or Jo Frost from the Supernanny would have decided that her life was to hectic and decide to quit the TV business to become our pro-bono au pair. But none of those things have happened and, like many families, day care is essential. In the morning, we pack up bottles and a diaper bag, put her in her car seat, and drop her off.


I have talked to several parents about day care, both before and since we have started. They all warned me about separation anxiety, which is a real problem in the parent community. I mean, there are even online help groups for people struggling with it. But it isn’t separation that is tough. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t think that she will grow up a horrible person because I put her in day care for 17% of the week. I just don’t know how to do this yet -- literally. Last week I dropped my daughter off and forgot to say goodbye. I just kind of handed over the car seat, told the provider when she last ate, made some quick small talk and went off to work. I didn’t realize until I got to my car that I never gave my daughter a kiss or a “bye honey.” (If you haven’t figured it out by now, what with the dropping on the head and such, I’m not all that adept at this fathering thing yet) UPS drivers show more concern about packages they are delivering than I did for my daughter.


It is a strange thing, dropping your child off to day care. Joking aside, a lot of people do struggle with it. It is like dropping your new girlfriend off for a date with another guy. Sure, she may say it is just a friend from high school and that he is liker brother and that she won’t drink too much and that they just kissed and it was on a dare and you know you can completely trust the both of them. But nothing changes the fact that your girlfriend is now alone with someone you don’t know and they could be doing anything. ANYTHING!


I think part of the problem is not being able to talk to her when I pick her back up. I can’t ask her how her day went or what she did or ask her if she is making friends. Sure, at the end of the day I find out when she napped, when she ate, how grumpy she was, how much fun she had with the other kids. Yes, I can usually tell if she is behaving strangely, or seems tired, but she behaves strangely and acts tired a lot, no matter who takes care of her. She is three months old, she is still getting used to holding her head up; it is a stressful life. Unfortunately, she can’t get in the car and say:

“Dad, that woman is lying through her teeth, I slept for 15 minutes, ate nothing but pixie sticks, cried half the day, and the only toy I was given was a box of tissues and a calculator.”

A four-year-old can tell you they had a bad day or that Johnny stole her during “free play”, or that their lunch was awesome, or that they were read the best book today. A three-month-old can’t do that.


It does help that our provider seems to be doing a good job and that other kids have been under her care for almost five years. It also helps that today I remembered to give her a kiss, and tell her I love her. I smiled at her. She smiled back. I left feeling better about myself as a dad and calculating how many hours it was going to be before I got to pick her up. But I am still her dad. I don’t think I am getting used to it, nor do I think I should. I don’t think that dropping her off and saying goodbye for the day is getting easier, nor do I think it will. But I am learning to get through it. I’m just learning how to say see you later.